Through my small eyes

I'm confident only if u tell me so...

2010-01-12T00:20:00.004+08:00

I wish more people can give praises and encouragements. As much as constructive criticisms are important, giving credits to someone is vital in making them enjoy their work.

FYP first presentation is over today. There were many feedbacks, criticisms and advices. The module coordinator was not really listening and he was sms-ing away. I'm glad he didn't say it was horrible (like last week's grp). In fact, he said that our presentation has a lot of "punch" in it. He said ppl wouldn't want to listen to a boring presentation. I think that implies that ours were not as boring. Ironically, i don't know why then he was not listening. Apart from him, many ppl commented on certain things that we could have improved on. I was thankful for all the feedbacks. But....

I just can't help feeling a little disappointed. We spent so much time working on it and so much effort in making the slides look nice and clear. I know there are things we could have worked on to make it better but after today's presentation, i felt a bit tired to press on. If only there were one person who sincerely appreciated our presentation and commented on that, that would have made my day.

Imagine that u've done something so well and u were so proud of it. U eagerly wanted to present it to your friends or classmates. You wanted feed backs so that you can make it better. However, after the presentation, you had the feeling that your friends don't seem to share the same viewpoint as you. They didn't think it was as great as you thought it was. Despite all the effort you had out into it and how good you felt it was initially, you felt you had done a bad job in the end. It was that disappointing.

That aside, i've just finished watching human spirit. It was about a girl born without a face. Her face was severely deformed with no cheek bones and nasal bones. She lives with a tracheostomy. Although her face was not aesthetically appealing, she is beautiful, cheerful and intelligent. It made me cry when i watched the show. She had gone through 28 surgeries although she's just 5 years old. Despite that, she's still fearful of undergoing through surgeries. Each time there is a surgery, there is pain and possibility of complications.

Even though many people must have stared at her when she went out, the child still grew up to be confident and cheerful. Her friends and family see her as someone she is inside and treated her just like any other child. I sincerely hope that her confidence and cheerfulness follows throughout her life.

After watching the show, i felt more and more like having a child.

I'm so stress

2010-01-11T04:32:00.001+08:00

I'm so stress until i can't sleep. So many things to finish in a mere 6 weeks time. Let me list out all the things i need to complete.

Projects:
- FYP - this includes posters, ppt and the final write up
- Musculoskeletal project
- Neuro project (hydrotherapy)
- Geron project
- CP obesity exercise program

Written assignment (1000 words each):
- CP
- Women's health
- SCI patient

Examinations:
- MS
- Geron
- Areas of specialisation

Cambodia trip:
- Blood pressure planning
- Education planning

In between everything, there's still PBL, meaning self-directed learning assignments that we need to do.
I'm so stress.... I'm so stress...

Freedom

2009-12-04T23:11:00.000+08:00

Don't u just love the picture above? The smile, the sky and the feeling of freedom. I believe everyone of us have very different ideas about what freedom is. To me, freedom is as depicted by the picture above. Sweeps across like the wind, sails through the white pillow clouds, refreshing and uplifting. Anyway, this is just a random thought.

I'm super tired today.
It's a long long day. It's been the second week since school started but projects are already piling. Our class size has reduced and i'm now down with doing project with only 3 ppl in a group. Nonetheless, i'm quite happy with my project mates. FYP is a headache but with the few of us working really hard, i'm sure we'll get by.

I love my new watch! =)

你也许是很多人的听众, 但我只有你一个听众...

Birthday-meltday

2009-11-26T16:45:00.000+08:00

45 minutes ago was my birthday. Yes, i'm finally 21. The age where everyone associates to freedom. Am feeling both warm and cold now. Like the picture above; sitting in a cold strawberry ice-cream drinking hot and yummy tea. According to the author of the picture above, that's just life. Opposites, they make our lives.

Well, this year's birthday was rather quiet, peaceful and lonely. A contradictory to what a 21st should be. Opposites again. Had lesson with the other class in the morning. First time and a rather good experience. Had a good time with the old folks in the afternoon and put up a rather good presentation on diet and healthy lifestyle (*thumbs up for myself! =) ). Then i came home to... sleep... slept through the evenings... woke up to eat and read "DaVinci Code" and... fell back to sleep again until now. This day quietly faded... ordinary and special... remembered but forgotten... warm and cold...

Happy Birthday to meeee.....!!!

Self-confidence

2009-11-17T21:57:00.000+08:00

Do not belittle the power of self-confidence. It makes you look attractive.

I listened to my friend's in-service today and i was totally mesmerized by her confidence and power as she speaks. Even though her powerpoint slides were not as attractive and interesting as mine, the way she portrayed herself, the way she speaks, the words she used, made all of us believed that she really know her stuffs inside and out. When u meet a speaker like her, i guess it's probably too hard to say that her presentation wasn't good. I can't help comparing myself to her. I did my in-service last week and even though i put in lots of effort into it and was very confident about my slides and what i was presenting, i was not confident with myself. I had a feeling that all the audience at that time was probably thinking in the same way as i was; "if only this girl was more confident when she speaks...". And that was probably the only and yet the biggest problem i had with myself then.

If there's anything i really want to improve about myself now, it's self-confidence. I realized how the lack of confidence often defeats me and how it often make me look small and unimportant. I used to think that being unassuming was perfectly fine but i now realized that being too unassuming can be detrimental as well.

On another note, i really love my supervisor. He is passionate in teaching and always has a way to make things crystal clear for us to understand. He protects us (students) when we needed it and yet he's never too over-protective. He may point out our mistakes blatantly but he also encourages and allow us to make mistakes. Blessed with such a good supervisor, what more can i ask for?

~

My 21st birthday is drawing closer but I'm not really looking forward to it. I always wanted my birthdays to be very low-profile and yet i hope it is still enjoyable and great. Not to say that my previous birthdays wasn't enjoyable or great, but there's always something that happened that made it not as enjoyable as it should be. Either it was someone that i really want to celebrate with don't remember or wasn't free or there were just somethings that i was obliged to do but didn't really feel like doing or there's just simply something bad that happened that just spoil the day. Okay, i guess i was just asking for too much sometimes... but somehow, my heart doesn't feel comfortable nor excited that it's coming soon....

The Last Journey

2009-11-15T15:33:00.001+08:00

One week more to go for my attachment....

If you ask me if i'm happy about that, i would definitely say yes if i was still in my second year... but for now, i dread it. I still remember vividly almost every incident when i think back about all the things that had happened when i was having my three attachments in the various hospitals in my second year. I was devastated. I came home everyday thinking about how terrible i was, how helpless when i saw my patients and i never stop thinking about giving up being a physiotherapist. I thought i had chosen the wrong course and i will never be good enough no matter how hard i try. My academic results fell every semester and i struggled through my attachments. I still remember that after my 2B placement in the outpatient at tan tock seng hospital, i told myself that it's ok, i am probably not made for outpatient settings, inpatient would probably not turn out as bad. Unfortunately, when i had my 2C placement at Changi, i was as terrible. I felt that i was a potential failure and i thought since i was bad in both outpatient and inpatient, i had better quit. But i knew i had no where to go if i quit. Being always paired with people who are confident and good, i felt always behind, never been able to catch up. Coupled with my personal matters last year, everything was a chore.

When my 3A placement started early this year, i knew if i fail again this time, i will never be able to find any confidence again to be a physiotherapist next time. Unexpectedly, it turned out to be one of my best attachment. I enjoyed going to work everyday and i love to see my patients improve under my hands. Interestingly, i dreaded it when my supervisor did not let my handle the patients by myself, a feeling that i had never felt throughout all my placements in yr1 and 2. And of course, my friends played a large part in building up my confidence back again. My best friends, Serene and Pei shan, who are not in the course came to NUH just to have lunch with me. They were interested about what i do and how my supervisors had treated me. I was happy that someone were there to listen to me. Then, I had Kiyoko, Bernice and Dudu who also made everyday in NUH beautiful. I still remember Dudu telling me that i don't have to be disappointed because i had not done well for a patient, because she knows that i'll be better for the next patient with the same condition. That encouragement kept me motivated till now. When the last week came, it's the same as how i felt now. I hoped it never have to end.

For placement 3B, i loved the memories i had there. I have 3 lovely clinical mates and a polite and kind supervisor. Laughters filled every single day there. It was a outpatient setting. Knowing that outpatient was my worst placement last year, i was petrified initially. I started the attachment thinking that i was lucky for the previous placement because i like neurology and i had very good friends there but i'm not going to be that lucky for every placement. Afterall, once bitten, twice shy. However, to my amazement, i was not as terrible as i thought i would be. i was actually interested in it and i enjoyed coming home everyday to find articles about the spine, about spine conditions and how i can treat them. I even had one patient that had thanked me after treating her. She said she had seen many physiotherapist for many years and i was the only one who explained so much in detail so that she understood what was happening to her and what i was doing to help her. I was exuberant. I knew that for many of my friends, patients who thanked them almost happened frequently, but for me, i was glad even to have just one. I wasn't good in talking, didn't seem as confident as any of my friends, but i knew i did my best. And for even just one patient to notice that, that is the most comforting reward i could ever get. Of course, my supervisor played a large part in the whole placement. Interestingly, he wasn't that good in talking as well. i felt he was a humble and yet intelligent physiotherapist. He never put us down no matter how bad we were and i always have a feeling that he was trying to be a good supervisor as much as we were trying to be good students. That made me impressed! I guess i wanted to excel in that placement largely because i did not want to let him down. Another thing that is worthy of mention is my in-service. For every placement that we went, we had to present a presentation of at least 30 minutes to the physiotherapists there. I had 9/10 for this one. Never had gotten so high before. =)

Now, it's finally down to the last placement. 3C at Tan Tock Seng. Like how i always was, i was prepared for the worst. I heard that the two supervisors that i was going to be under were notorious. One of them always smile but was strict and biased and the other was sarcastic and mean. 4 weeks under them made me changed that impression of them totally. My description of them; She is strict but friendly, elegant and have her way with words to make patients believe what she says. She also thinks highly of us and that made me want to prove myself and excel. He is funny, witty and had a love to teach. He may be sarcastic but i know he always wanted to give us the best. Out of all the supervisors that i ever had, he taught me the most, showed me the most and believed in me the most.

I felt that i had so much more to learn but as compared to how i felt during year two, i was much more confident that i was not an empty cup that i always thought i was. i use to feel that i am a cup with a hole in the bottom. No matter how much water i tried to pour into the cup, it will always remain empty. But now, even though the cup was far from being filled, i am never an empty cup.

Well, the journey in my physiotherapy course isn't over yet. I still have one more semester after this placement but my journey through all my attachments brought a lot of feelings to me. I am sad that this is going to end soon because when i go out to work sometime, who is there to guide me? who is there to tell me that i should have done this or done that and who is there to cover me if i had done something wrong? I had to work alone next time and i had to be responsible for everything that i do. Nonetheless, i'm glad i had 3 good placements to replace that scared, little girl i was in year 2. I am glad it ended well.

It's amazing how one year can change me and the way about how i felt about myself. I had one friend whom i thought had changed a lot throughout this year too. She seem more happy, more talkative and more positive. I do not know who she is now but nonetheless, i am happy for her. In the past, i had always thought that i was there to help her, to change her for the better person i thought she could become. But as the days went by, i was more reliant on her than how she was on me. For some reasons, we drifted apart and she did indeed changed to a better person. Not the better person i secretly wanted her to become but a better person in her own way. It's a better ending this way.

Let the past be the past...

"Comparison Syndrome"

2009-11-03T22:49:00.000+08:00

Today i'm feeling kind of disappointed and dejected. For every attachment that we have, our lecturer will come and visit us to evaluate our performance and to make sure that we'r on the right track on one of the days of our attachment. Today is the day.

I was feeling very jittery since yesterday night since the lecturer that is coming this time round is known for her sharp eyes and strict standards. It didn't make it any better when i knew that i was supposed to be the first to go today (we had four ppl in this attachment). Nonetheless, i had to do it.

As usual, i knew my confidence was lacking and that affected my communication with the patients. To make matters worse, all the other three of my classmates and my lecturer were all standing there in the same room. I know that if i were to say that my performance was reduced because i couldn't stand everyone staring at me, that would definitely sound like an excuse. Anyway, the whole treatment process went by with her correcting with somethings that i did and my confidence level dropping every minute.

Finally, after the whole morning, everyone had finished seeing their patients with the lecturer, and she is ready to give our feedback. I was of course the first to go. But unfortunately, she chose to give feedbacks with everyone present, including my supervisor there. That was when the comparison effect came in. She had a lot of feedbacks for me and though i passed, i didn't do well. As for my classmates, they did better than me. Well, yes, i know this evaluation will probably not affect our end evaluation but to be compared with others right on the spot made me feel really inadequate. I know that logically, we should all think that well, i ought to listen her feedbacks, work on them and stop making the same mistakes again instead of just dwelling on the fact that i didn't do well. But, at the back of my mind, i couldn't resist comparing with the others and feeling inadequate. I don't know if anyone who's reading this can understand how i feel. I guess it's hard to imagine how it felt without having to go thru this. All i can say is that it would have felt different if we were given the feedback individually.

After the whole matter, i was really quiet. The three of my friends talked as per normal. I think they would have realised that i didn't talk as much or they could have seen that i wasn't acting as i would normally but somehow, none of them did anything or say anything. I felt bottled up and isolated. I wished i had someone to talk to at that moment and i wished someone would have tried to say something lightening to make me feel better. That didn't happen and i held on to my emotions the rest of the day.

I wasn't feeling like i was going to cry but i just felt really disappointed with the whole situation. I really ought to learn to be more confident with myself. However, to correct one's mistake is simple but to correct one's habits and way of thinking, it takes a long long time. I know i'll always get better in the end, but i need time. I need people to encourage, to cheer me on and to believe in me.

I have 2 and a half weeks more to go for this attachment. I pray that i make it thru.
The first thing that i want to do when i can finally find sometime for myself after this placement is to go swimming!

"I've been watching but the stars refused to shine. I've been searching but i just don't see the signs, I know it's out there, there's gonna be something for my soul somewhere!"

Job

2009-10-17T03:00:00.000+08:00

I am so happy and excited today! I signed my contract with SGH today and straight after i graduated, i would be a qualified physio working in SGH! I couldn't imagine how it would be like to be working as a real physio now. As much as the fear of taking the first step out into the society still lurks somewhere in me, my excitement overwhelms me. In less than half a year's time, i'll be fulfilling my dream to be a physio! How amazing that is!

Next week i'll be doing my last clinical attachment in TTSH. To me, this is the most difficult one because i've heard lots about my supervisors. Given my lack in knowledge, i'm sure i'm not going to have an easy time with the supervisors this time round. Nonetheless, i'll still give my very best. Afterall, it's the last one and i really really don't want to repeat this.

On another note, i've joined another OCIP trip. This time to Cambodia. I'll keep my fingers cross on that and hope everything goes on smoothly and well. Most importantly, i think having a sense of belonging in the group is what keeps a team strong so hopefully the 18 of us can really get on well. Didn't know any of the people in this trip well enough yet but i'm sure they are all nice people. =)

I'm still missing my last attachment in SGH. It was the best one i have ever had. The best supervisor, the best partners, and the best working environment. I miss exercise class!

Been reading Dan Brown's books recently and his stories never fails to keep me captivated. To end of today's post, let me quote a line i love best in the book "Deception Point"
~ The priest asked, "Do u believe in God?"
Robert, "My mind tells me that I do not understand him, sir."
The priest asked again, "So what does your heart says?"
Robert, "... My heart says... Faith is a gift.. that I had yet to receive."~

I just love his answer! So witty, humble and graceful to counter a sensitive question like that.

First Day

2009-09-01T13:30:00.000+08:00

Today was the first day of work. My supervisor was very very nice. He is so patient, approachable and willing to teach. But well, today goes well also because we didn't have our patients yet. He had scheduled patients for us all the way to the third week and i'm going to get my first two new cases tomorrow. I hope i can successfully identify my patient's problem and treat accordingly and appropriately. For the rest of the remaining five weeks, i wish everything will pass by smoothly...

Putting that aside, i had a shock this morning. I met my secondary school friend. He was on his way to NIE because he's studying as a chinese teacher there. I couldn't recognize him even though i was standing beside him for around 10 mins. He patted me on my shoulder first. He looked different. More handsome i guess. And there i was, wearing my ugly clinical uniform. How i hoped i could have just buried my head somewhere then. He asked if i were i nurse... "-_- I told him that i was a physiotherapist and he went HUH? haiz... I guess physio is still a career that require much much more publicity.
Anyway, i felt quite embarrassed with him. My clinical uniform was really ugly... And i doubt i will still see him again... Didn't really want that to be his last impression of me...

A long long time

2009-08-31T20:17:00.000+08:00

It's been a long long time...
Today is the start of my clinicals in SGH for musculoskeletal. The performance i had in my previous clinicals in TTSH for MS was pretty bad and that made me rather jittery for this current clinical. I will do everything i can to make sure i don't do as bad for this one...

Since i haven't been blogging for a long long time, let me update abit on my life.

The last clinical i had for 5 weeeks in NUH brought back some of my confidence of becoming a physiotherapist. It was the first time i think i didn't do too badly. It was also a pleasure to see the patients recover from my treatments. Of course, the other most important contributing factor is the support i get from my classmates working there. Though they were all from different departments, we met everyday for lunch and to go home together. We shared our experiences, good or bad, and we lament about our day or our supervisors.. I thoroughly enjoyed the whole clinicals because of all my friends there. =)

Next, still on academic. I had my exams last week, which was straight after my clinicals in NUH. I missed one paper because i was sicked. Now i had to take supp paper because of that. Couldn't mention anymore how regretful i was... This supp paper lies somewhere in between this current attachment i'm going for. I hope i'm going to make it for the paper because even if i fail, i guess i won't get another chance...

Following that, still on academic... 8 weeks ago, before my clinical in NUH, it had been a horrible week for everyone in my course. We had 9 assignments to hand in with 2 practical exams and 1 ICA all in one week. I'm amazed how we managed to pull through. Well, as for me, i didn't really pull through. I failed one practical exam and for that ICA, i studied 2 hours for it. Though the results aren't out yet, it will almost be miracle if i didn't fail that ICA.

I don't know what's the reason exactly but i can't stand continuous studying for even half an hour now. Mayb that's why my grades are falling. If i were to let this continue, i'm most probably not going to make it through this course.

I wonder.... if my academic life is no longer part of me... what else is left of me...

Alone, I stand

2009-06-27T02:15:00.000+08:00

Too many problems, too little time to finish...
In times of troubles like this, i've always wished i had somebody there to listen, to share and to guide me what to do. Somehow, i knew my friends out there care for me, but how do i share my problems? How do i express myself? How do i make it sound like i'm not weak? How do i know if i'm not burdening them? Do they understand? Does anybody understands at all?
When i did something good, who is there to tell me yes, i did something great, keep it up! when i did something wrong, who's there to stop me or to remind me? When i failed, who is there to tell me it's okay, let's try again next time? when i lost confidence, who's there to tell me i'm worthy of people's love and care?
Everybody in my family now are suffering, either mentally or physically. I wish i could do something, but i can't.
Again and again, i let things fall apart. How contradicting it is to the dream that i'm pursuing now.

Please be happy. I need you to be happy. Everybody needs to be happier.

Heal the world - in tribute to Michael Jackson...

Recovery

2009-06-24T02:19:00.001+08:00

My whole family owe the doctors money. My sisters got flu one after another, my father got severe low back pain, my uncle just got a heart attack two days ago and now, i got some gastric flu. My father's low back pain costs him a handful $700 plus while my gastric flu problems cost me $200 in total, including the previous medical costs i had incurred for the same problem three weeks ago. Gosh, if this is going to continue (*touch wood ), we are going to go broke very soon...

My kitchen table is full of medicine for all of us...

Just an hr ago, i went to a 24-hr clinic due to my acute abdominal pain. Having to see a doc at such an unearthly hour, it was expected that the medical costs would have been very high as well. I was given a jab and was told that i had gastric flu. The last time i had this pain, i was told to have abdominal muscle spasm. Both episodes presented with the same type and pattern of pain though... i really don't know what is the exact problem i have. Coupled with my menstrual cramps, i had almost at least one episodes of stomach every week. Haiz... just talk abt having bad luck..

Anyway, casting the bad things aside, i really felt much better after the jab. The pain had not subside totally but at least it gone down and i can finally resume to do some work. Hope it will fully recover by tml!

Another worrying matter is my uncle's heart attack. It happened quite sudden and he was admitted to the hospital immediately. I guess the major major cause was by smoking and alcohol. Just look at how detrimental the effects of tobacco and alcohol are on our body! Doc says he says three arteries blocked and they are still contemplating whether to do PTCA for him. My goodness, i hope this incident is really gonna make him change his lifestyle. i pray for his recovery...

Next, my most beloved father is grappling so much with his low back pain tt he finally went to see a doc for it. He was so persistent that Chinese physician could help him but the pain just got worse these week and he relented. The pain was affecting him so much until he couldn't even bent his body down at all. I guess he has a prolapsed disc. Again, i pray for his recovery too.

Rain rain, go away.

~The more dejected u feel, u more u should smile.~

If u were to ask me how had i been these few weeks, i think i don't really know how to answer u in a few words. My feeling now is beyond description.

Oh my, the pain is coming back...

Swipe Away the Dust

2009-06-18T21:41:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling very frustrated recently and i'm finding myself highly irritable. Can't get to sleep at night and my mind is filled with the dozen of stuffs that are left undone. Really wonder how some people are able to maintain that happy and peaceful mood everyday... I should really learn to swipe away all that negative thoughts in my mind and start to appreciate all that i had in my life.

I hope the rain will go away very very soon...

The Road to Nowhere

2009-06-14T01:34:00.000+08:00

I've spent the whole day doing things i shouldn't be doing. With 6 assignments to complete for the next two weeks, i really should not be procrastinating. While i'm afraid of having too little control over things in my life, i hate to have too much responsibilities. I'm seeking for a balance.
I'm really afraid of my FYP... there is not much motivation, not much initiation and even i doubt my ability to complete this project. How can u finish or even start a project which u never believe it will work? I wish there had been more discussions, but then again, will the 4 of us really be able to come out with anything at all? Thinking about failing even before u fight the battle is really one of the reason for fighting a losing war, but i can't help it. I really need some time to reflect on myself...

Will you try for something even when u know ur chances of winning is only, say 30%? And u know that this is perhaps your last chance? I chose not to try and now, i can't turn back anymore.... but... i guess i'm starting to regret now... i think i'm being too passive. If i don't fight for what i want in life, i'll always stay status quo.

I hope i'll find my joy n purpose in life soon... wish me luck...

In memory...

2009-05-20T18:16:00.000+08:00

I feel like writing this down before i forget.

I always have problems with my menstrual cramps. Medically, it's call dysmenorrhea. Sometimes, it just come with cold sweat, leg cramps, pain and discomfort. In extreme cases, which is most of the time for my case, it comes with cold sweat, leg cramps, extreme pain, diarrhoea and vomitting. Normally, it left me rolling on the floor and unable to stand for nearly 2 to 3 hours with medication.

Anyway, the topic today is not entirely abt my dysmenorrhea. Today and yesterday i had my usual pain again. Today was worse though. I woke up early, ready to go to school. However, the pain was so immense, it left me rolling at my usual spot on the floor. No one was at home and i could not carry myself up to get medicine. So all i did was rolled on the floor and groaned in pain. I tried thinking abt relaxing my abdominal muscles and thinking about happy stuffs cos according to what i've learnt in school, pain is not totally physical. Unfortunately, trying to think abt happy stuffs when u'r in extreme pain is a very, very difficult thing to do. As i was grappling with the pain, i thought of my grandma. I didn't really purposely think of her, but she just appeared. And before i could notice, i was tearing while still rolling in pain at the same time. It was, perhaps, the first time i had allowed myself to cry freely since her death one and a half weeks ago...

The stark truth was...i didn't think i cried entirely because i missed her so much. I guess a part of it was regret. I didn't know her full name until she died, i didn't even know her exact age, i don't know where and when she had worked, i didn't know what she likes to eat or what are the favourite things she likes when she's alive. I didn't know what causes her chronic leg pain or whether she's well or unwell most of the time. In all, i knew very little about my only grandparent who was alive. I was indeed ashamed.

All i could remember was her always asking me to eat when i visited her during the weekends and my sparse conversation with her with my limited hokkien.

"Ah ma, lu hou bo? Kah gou wu tiah bo?" translated in english, it means, "Ah ma, how are u? Do u still have pain in your legs?"

And she will always reply, "Hou, hou.. bo tiah." meaning she's well and no pain.

I still remember the smell of her delicious curry, the dish she will cooked almost every weekend probably because we told her it was the best curry we've ever tasted.

Den i remembered kissing her on the forehead when i last saw her, motionless on her bed. She has a tinge of smile on her face, as if assuring us that she has gone to somewhere better. I told her i was sorry because i was the last person out of all my relatives to arrive. I also told her to rest in peace because i will take good care of my father in the future.

That was all in my memory book of her...

Casting this aside, i was actually rather happy these few days. I was amused by my father. He told us lots of stories about grandma, shared with us what kind of person she was when she younger, and also told us about what beautiful encounters he met these few days, as if grandma was still ard to bless him. He even bought fishes, something that was banned from my house. The king broke his own rule. However, others bought plant to rear fishes while he bought fishes to grow plants. In order to grow some aquatic plants, he bought fishes so that the water will not be infested with mosquitoes. He's really one of a kind. =)

Lessons and classes has been great these few days despite me missing quite alot of lessons recently. Hope they will stay that way.

More than Words

2009-05-16T01:51:00.000+08:00

I was here

2009-05-03T17:15:00.000+08:00

Fell in love with this song: "Gold Dust" by tori amos. Beautiful lyrics and soothing music. If u have the time, u should listen to it too.

House MD is gone for this week and next week and... probably the future weeks too. There goes one of my highlights for the week...

This week has been rather hard to pass by. I'm getting the "i just want to stay at home and go no where" kind of feeling these few days. I pushed away every opportunity to stepped out of the house this long weekend, except for going for a run in the evening. Can't find the drive to do anything except to rot at home.

Work is pilling up at my desk...

Yesterday mum asked me how i want to celebrate my birthday this year.
She suggested that i could invite a few friends to our house and have a buffet like how my sisters celebrated.
It's too early was my reply to her.
But the first thought that came to my mind was... no... i wish it would quietly pass by...

I'm taking the necklace off my neck. Gonna live without it...

No reason

2009-04-25T01:38:00.000+08:00

I've just finished watching House, end of episode 2 and it's amazing. Today's episode is about House playing with his mind and everything in the episode was fake, except for the patient and the part about him being shot. The truly amazing part was how he managed to get himself out of the hallucinations was to go beyond believing what's real to him, which means to do something he will not do, and that invloves killing the patient. It may sound absurd, but to me everything in this episode is way too creative and mind-provoking... In addition, we also see House crying for the very first time in his life. He admitted in his mind that he was miserable. If you'd watched carefully, every details in the episode shows that everything that he "went through" since the shot was a clue that it'd all been hallucination.

I liked this part of the dialogue when the shooter asked him...
Shooter: "If i'd've killed you, would it have mattered?"
House: "No"
Shooter: "You don't care whether you live or die?"
House: "i care because i live. I can't care if i'm dead."

Seriously, i wonder if there are people in this world who would have loved watching House as much as i did cause nobody that i knew seem to like the show or watch it as much as i did faithfully every week.

On another note, this is the end of the first week of school. I like my lecturers now. They are funny and passionate in teaching. And, the most important thing is that i understood what was taught. I just pray that this understanding can translate into performance. From psychology yesterday, i learnt that good performance is often associated with people having higher efficacy in the work they do. And, i've also discovered that i have very low self-efficacy regarding the work that i do, one of the lowest in my class . It was quite embarrassing indeed. Though i think i'm still far from being adequate as a physiotherapist, i believe i'll get there someday...

Do you know that a person who sees others as being worse off then himself, actually has better well-being and health? This is an experimented fact! So the moral of the story is, we should all do away with the modesty and humbleness... and start bragging now.

Hot day

2009-04-19T21:36:00.000+08:00

These few days made me feel like i'm living in deserts...

Today, i had another badminton session with my friends. I went rather reluctantly.. not that i don't like to play that sport but cos it just seem rather pressurizing to be playing with the pros... especially when they are playing doubles. I really don't know what made me went in the end. My group never wins, largely due to me. haha.. but tt's fine, it has been still rather fun. Special mention to one of my friends who partnered me a few times. He was always encouraging me, telling me it's fine and that we'll get back when i fail and cheers when i score. Though we still didn't win in the end, it felt great playing with him. Ironically, i haven't been seeing him or ages! It's good to have friends like that.

On another note, i've watched slumdog millioniare and the kite runner these few days. Both were great movies. Slumdog was one of the best movies i've ever watched. It's totally unexpected and beautifully crafted with the best music and cinematography. And the kids were the best actors and actress. They were amazing! No wonder it had won so many awards... Kite runner has a very good script but i can't bear to watch some parts. It's a heavy and mind grippling story. And i don't think it would be very easy to understand the movie if u haven't read the book.

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new semester. A busy year ahead i can foresee..
As my graduation as a physio diploma holder draws nearer, the more excited and yet fearful i get. In a way, i hoped it wouldn't happen so fast. Recently, i've visited my friend's grandmother whom i suspect has sciatica. I went to see her as a physio student to see if there's anything i can help with. If i were to rate my service, i wouldn't call it fantastic but i really hope what i've done did helped her in one way or another. Now i see that to help someone, it takes more than it seems.

Everyone needs constant reminder to know how good a person they are or how much they are loved by their friends and families... and that includes me...

Accumulated Effect

2009-04-17T18:40:00.000+08:00

As i was reading a book abt lower back pain, i came across this excerpt:
"Because we felt fine right up until the moment when we turned in an awkward way, lifted a heavy box, sneezed, or bent down to pick up a pencil, we tend to think of that single event as being the one that cause our pain. But far more often than not, the lift or the sneeze is not the ultimate cause of the pain, but only the incident that triggers a painful reaction to accumulated physical, mental, and/or emotional stress and overuse..."

Although this phrase may sound ordinary, it made lots of sense to me. Interestingly, this is how our life often works. Take for example we failed in an examination, and we lamented that our failure is because of how difficult the paper was or how unsuitable we were for the state of study due to whatever reasons that came along the way. Most people would not have realised that more often than not, the examination is probably only the trigger incident for prolonged lack of preparation, practice and the willingness to acquire new knowledge.

If we focus solely on the trigger incident, we risk putting our future endeavours on a shaky footing. If we look back further, we would probably recognize that several factors such as prolonged stress, lack of time management, etc, has been making us feel increasingly vulnerable for some time. We could even recall some telltale signs that had signalled intuitively to us before the fateful incident. But we had done nothing to resolve them then or could have simply brushed away these signs with excuses.

Pardon me, i'm not saying that we only have ourselves to blame for all the misfortune that happened to us. There are many many other sources of problems. However, i believe that we should all learn to 'listen' to small details in our lives and try to solve even little problems or overcome minor setbacks now before they turn into something big.

Alright, all my 大道理 shall end here. Now i shall talk more about what is going on in my life now. I'm having a terrible sore throat now and nothing i do seem to be able to soothe it. It started off with a fever, then a cold, and then a sore throat. Argh... i have to admit i have very low pain tolerance, so this pain in the throat is really killing me.

On another note, I am really excited to go back to school. With all the new lecturers and modules, i can't imagine how the next semester is going to be like. I'm keeping my fingers cross and i really really hope that it's going to be better than before. Oh, and my biggest wish for this semester is to improve on my musculoskeletal. Please let me pass the practical exams!

I've also made a promise to myself to exercise al least thrice a week. For the sake of my dysmenorrhea, i've got to be disiplined.

New beginnings, new experiences...

Return

2009-04-16T22:42:00.000+08:00

I'm back to blog again.

It's been nearly a year since i last blogged. For the past year, i've been grappling mostly with studies and clinicals. The past 2 clinicals that i have nearly made me gave up physio. It's tormenting to realise how much i'm lacking in and how far i'm to my goal of becoming a good physiotherapist that can help thousands of ppl some day... Well, but clinicals are over for now and i'm still here, surviving. :D hopefully, the next three clinicals will be smooth sailing and less tormenting.

Holiday is ending soon and next sem is going to start in next week! Time really flies. Just when i keep procrastinating and telling myself that i still have lots of time, i realise that time is really literally slipping through my hands.