Sunday, November 15, 2009,3:33 PM
The Last Journey
One week more to go for my attachment....
If you ask me if i'm happy about that, i would definitely say yes if i was still in my second year... but for now, i dread it. I still remember vividly almost every incident when i think back about all the things that had happened when i was having my three attachments in the various hospitals in my second year. I was devastated. I came home everyday thinking about how terrible i was, how helpless when i saw my patients and i never stop thinking about giving up being a physiotherapist. I thought i had chosen the wrong course and i will never be good enough no matter how hard i try. My academic results fell every semester and i struggled through my attachments. I still remember that after my 2B placement in the outpatient at tan tock seng hospital, i told myself that it's ok, i am probably not made for outpatient settings, inpatient would probably not turn out as bad. Unfortunately, when i had my 2C placement at Changi, i was as terrible. I felt that i was a potential failure and i thought since i was bad in both outpatient and inpatient, i had better quit. But i knew i had no where to go if i quit. Being always paired with people who are confident and good, i felt always behind, never been able to catch up. Coupled with my personal matters last year, everything was a chore.
When my 3A placement started early this year, i knew if i fail again this time, i will never be able to find any confidence again to be a physiotherapist next time. Unexpectedly, it turned out to be one of my best attachment. I enjoyed going to work everyday and i love to see my patients improve under my hands. Interestingly, i dreaded it when my supervisor did not let my handle the patients by myself, a feeling that i had never felt throughout all my placements in yr1 and 2. And of course, my friends played a large part in building up my confidence back again. My best friends, Serene and Pei shan, who are not in the course came to NUH just to have lunch with me. They were interested about what i do and how my supervisors had treated me. I was happy that someone were there to listen to me. Then, I had Kiyoko, Bernice and Dudu who also made everyday in NUH beautiful. I still remember Dudu telling me that i don't have to be disappointed because i had not done well for a patient, because she knows that i'll be better for the next patient with the same condition. That encouragement kept me motivated till now. When the last week came, it's the same as how i felt now. I hoped it never have to end.
For placement 3B, i loved the memories i had there. I have 3 lovely clinical mates and a polite and kind supervisor. Laughters filled every single day there. It was a outpatient setting. Knowing that outpatient was my worst placement last year, i was petrified initially. I started the attachment thinking that i was lucky for the previous placement because i like neurology and i had very good friends there but i'm not going to be that lucky for every placement. Afterall, once bitten, twice shy. However, to my amazement, i was not as terrible as i thought i would be. i was actually interested in it and i enjoyed coming home everyday to find articles about the spine, about spine conditions and how i can treat them. I even had one patient that had thanked me after treating her. She said she had seen many physiotherapist for many years and i was the only one who explained so much in detail so that she understood what was happening to her and what i was doing to help her. I was exuberant. I knew that for many of my friends, patients who thanked them almost happened frequently, but for me, i was glad even to have just one. I wasn't good in talking, didn't seem as confident as any of my friends, but i knew i did my best. And for even just one patient to notice that, that is the most comforting reward i could ever get. Of course, my supervisor played a large part in the whole placement. Interestingly, he wasn't that good in talking as well. i felt he was a humble and yet intelligent physiotherapist. He never put us down no matter how bad we were and i always have a feeling that he was trying to be a good supervisor as much as we were trying to be good students. That made me impressed! I guess i wanted to excel in that placement largely because i did not want to let him down. Another thing that is worthy of mention is my in-service. For every placement that we went, we had to present a presentation of at least 30 minutes to the physiotherapists there. I had 9/10 for this one. Never had gotten so high before. =)
Now, it's finally down to the last placement. 3C at Tan Tock Seng. Like how i always was, i was prepared for the worst. I heard that the two supervisors that i was going to be under were notorious. One of them always smile but was strict and biased and the other was sarcastic and mean. 4 weeks under them made me changed that impression of them totally. My description of them; She is strict but friendly, elegant and have her way with words to make patients believe what she says. She also thinks highly of us and that made me want to prove myself and excel. He is funny, witty and had a love to teach. He may be sarcastic but i know he always wanted to give us the best. Out of all the supervisors that i ever had, he taught me the most, showed me the most and believed in me the most.
I felt that i had so much more to learn but as compared to how i felt during year two, i was much more confident that i was not an empty cup that i always thought i was. i use to feel that i am a cup with a hole in the bottom. No matter how much water i tried to pour into the cup, it will always remain empty. But now, even though the cup was far from being filled, i am never an empty cup.
Well, the journey in my physiotherapy course isn't over yet. I still have one more semester after this placement but my journey through all my attachments brought a lot of feelings to me. I am sad that this is going to end soon because when i go out to work sometime, who is there to guide me? who is there to tell me that i should have done this or done that and who is there to cover me if i had done something wrong? I had to work alone next time and i had to be responsible for everything that i do. Nonetheless, i'm glad i had 3 good placements to replace that scared, little girl i was in year 2. I am glad it ended well.
It's amazing how one year can change me and the way about how i felt about myself. I had one friend whom i thought had changed a lot throughout this year too. She seem more happy, more talkative and more positive. I do not know who she is now but nonetheless, i am happy for her. In the past, i had always thought that i was there to help her, to change her for the better person i thought she could become. But as the days went by, i was more reliant on her than how she was on me. For some reasons, we drifted apart and she did indeed changed to a better person. Not the better person i secretly wanted her to become but a better person in her own way. It's a better ending this way.
Let the past be the past...
