Tuesday, November 3, 2009,10:49 PM
"Comparison Syndrome"
Today i'm feeling kind of disappointed and dejected. For every attachment that we have, our lecturer will come and visit us to evaluate our performance and to make sure that we'r on the right track on one of the days of our attachment. Today is the day.
I was feeling very jittery since yesterday night since the lecturer that is coming this time round is known for her sharp eyes and strict standards. It didn't make it any better when i knew that i was supposed to be the first to go today (we had four ppl in this attachment). Nonetheless, i had to do it.
As usual, i knew my confidence was lacking and that affected my communication with the patients. To make matters worse, all the other three of my classmates and my lecturer were all standing there in the same room. I know that if i were to say that my performance was reduced because i couldn't stand everyone staring at me, that would definitely sound like an excuse. Anyway, the whole treatment process went by with her correcting with somethings that i did and my confidence level dropping every minute.
Finally, after the whole morning, everyone had finished seeing their patients with the lecturer, and she is ready to give our feedback. I was of course the first to go. But unfortunately, she chose to give feedbacks with everyone present, including my supervisor there. That was when the comparison effect came in. She had a lot of feedbacks for me and though i passed, i didn't do well. As for my classmates, they did better than me. Well, yes, i know this evaluation will probably not affect our end evaluation but to be compared with others right on the spot made me feel really inadequate. I know that logically, we should all think that well, i ought to listen her feedbacks, work on them and stop making the same mistakes again instead of just dwelling on the fact that i didn't do well. But, at the back of my mind, i couldn't resist comparing with the others and feeling inadequate. I don't know if anyone who's reading this can understand how i feel. I guess it's hard to imagine how it felt without having to go thru this. All i can say is that it would have felt different if we were given the feedback individually.
After the whole matter, i was really quiet. The three of my friends talked as per normal. I think they would have realised that i didn't talk as much or they could have seen that i wasn't acting as i would normally but somehow, none of them did anything or say anything. I felt bottled up and isolated. I wished i had someone to talk to at that moment and i wished someone would have tried to say something lightening to make me feel better. That didn't happen and i held on to my emotions the rest of the day.
I wasn't feeling like i was going to cry but i just felt really disappointed with the whole situation. I really ought to learn to be more confident with myself. However, to correct one's mistake is simple but to correct one's habits and way of thinking, it takes a long long time. I know i'll always get better in the end, but i need time. I need people to encourage, to cheer me on and to believe in me.
I have 2 and a half weeks more to go for this attachment. I pray that i make it thru.
The first thing that i want to do when i can finally find sometime for myself after this placement is to go swimming!
"I've been watching but the stars refused to shine. I've been searching but i just don't see the signs, I know it's out there, there's gonna be something for my soul somewhere!"
