Wednesday, May 20, 2009,6:16 PM
In memory...
I feel like writing this down before i forget.
I always have problems with my menstrual cramps. Medically, it's call dysmenorrhea. Sometimes, it just come with cold sweat, leg cramps, pain and discomfort. In extreme cases, which is most of the time for my case, it comes with cold sweat, leg cramps, extreme pain, diarrhoea and vomitting. Normally, it left me rolling on the floor and unable to stand for nearly 2 to 3 hours with medication.
Anyway, the topic today is not entirely abt my dysmenorrhea. Today and yesterday i had my usual pain again. Today was worse though. I woke up early, ready to go to school. However, the pain was so immense, it left me rolling at my usual spot on the floor. No one was at home and i could not carry myself up to get medicine. So all i did was rolled on the floor and groaned in pain. I tried thinking abt relaxing my abdominal muscles and thinking about happy stuffs cos according to what i've learnt in school, pain is not totally physical. Unfortunately, trying to think abt happy stuffs when u'r in extreme pain is a very, very difficult thing to do. As i was grappling with the pain, i thought of my grandma. I didn't really purposely think of her, but she just appeared. And before i could notice, i was tearing while still rolling in pain at the same time. It was, perhaps, the first time i had allowed myself to cry freely since her death one and a half weeks ago...
The stark truth was...i didn't think i cried entirely because i missed her so much. I guess a part of it was regret. I didn't know her full name until she died, i didn't even know her exact age, i don't know where and when she had worked, i didn't know what she likes to eat or what are the favourite things she likes when she's alive. I didn't know what causes her chronic leg pain or whether she's well or unwell most of the time. In all, i knew very little about my only grandparent who was alive. I was indeed ashamed.
All i could remember was her always asking me to eat when i visited her during the weekends and my sparse conversation with her with my limited hokkien.
"Ah ma, lu hou bo? Kah gou wu tiah bo?" translated in english, it means, "Ah ma, how are u? Do u still have pain in your legs?"
And she will always reply, "Hou, hou.. bo tiah." meaning she's well and no pain.
I still remember the smell of her delicious curry, the dish she will cooked almost every weekend probably because we told her it was the best curry we've ever tasted.
Den i remembered kissing her on the forehead when i last saw her, motionless on her bed. She has a tinge of smile on her face, as if assuring us that she has gone to somewhere better. I told her i was sorry because i was the last person out of all my relatives to arrive. I also told her to rest in peace because i will take good care of my father in the future.
That was all in my memory book of her...
Casting this aside, i was actually rather happy these few days. I was amused by my father. He told us lots of stories about grandma, shared with us what kind of person she was when she younger, and also told us about what beautiful encounters he met these few days, as if grandma was still ard to bless him. He even bought fishes, something that was banned from my house. The king broke his own rule. However, others bought plant to rear fishes while he bought fishes to grow plants. In order to grow some aquatic plants, he bought fishes so that the water will not be infested with mosquitoes. He's really one of a kind. =)
Lessons and classes has been great these few days despite me missing quite alot of lessons recently. Hope they will stay that way.
