I wish more people can give praises and encouragements. As much as constructive criticisms are important, giving credits to someone is vital in making them enjoy their work.

FYP first presentation is over today. There were many feedbacks, criticisms and advices. The module coordinator was not really listening and he was sms-ing away. I'm glad he didn't say it was horrible (like last week's grp). In fact, he said that our presentation has a lot of "punch" in it. He said ppl wouldn't want to listen to a boring presentation. I think that implies that ours were not as boring. Ironically, i don't know why then he was not listening. Apart from him, many ppl commented on certain things that we could have improved on. I was thankful for all the feedbacks. But....

I just can't help feeling a little disappointed. We spent so much time working on it and so much effort in making the slides look nice and clear. I know there are things we could have worked on to make it better but after today's presentation, i felt a bit tired to press on. If only there were one person who sincerely appreciated our presentation and commented on that, that would have made my day.

Imagine that u've done something so well and u were so proud of it. U eagerly wanted to present it to your friends or classmates. You wanted feed backs so that you can make it better. However, after the presentation, you had the feeling that your friends don't seem to share the same viewpoint as you. They didn't think it was as great as you thought it was. Despite all the effort you had out into it and how good you felt it was initially, you felt you had done a bad job in the end. It was that disappointing.

That aside, i've just finished watching human spirit. It was about a girl born without a face. Her face was severely deformed with no cheek bones and nasal bones. She lives with a tracheostomy. Although her face was not aesthetically appealing, she is beautiful, cheerful and intelligent. It made me cry when i watched the show. She had gone through 28 surgeries although she's just 5 years old. Despite that, she's still fearful of undergoing through surgeries. Each time there is a surgery, there is pain and possibility of complications.

Even though many people must have stared at her when she went out, the child still grew up to be confident and cheerful. Her friends and family see her as someone she is inside and treated her just like any other child. I sincerely hope that her confidence and cheerfulness follows throughout her life.

After watching the show, i felt more and more like having a child.

I'm so stress until i can't sleep. So many things to finish in a mere 6 weeks time. Let me list out all the things i need to complete.

Projects:
- FYP - this includes posters, ppt and the final write up
- Musculoskeletal project
- Neuro project (hydrotherapy)
- Geron project
- CP obesity exercise program

Written assignment (1000 words each):
- CP
- Women's health
- SCI patient

Examinations:
- MS
- Geron
- Areas of specialisation

Cambodia trip:
- Blood pressure planning
- Education planning

In between everything, there's still PBL, meaning self-directed learning assignments that we need to do.
I'm so stress.... I'm so stress...

Don't u just love the picture above? The smile, the sky and the feeling of freedom. I believe everyone of us have very different ideas about what freedom is. To me, freedom is as depicted by the picture above. Sweeps across like the wind, sails through the white pillow clouds, refreshing and uplifting. Anyway, this is just a random thought.

I'm super tired today.
It's a long long day. It's been the second week since school started but projects are already piling. Our class size has reduced and i'm now down with doing project with only 3 ppl in a group. Nonetheless, i'm quite happy with my project mates. FYP is a headache but with the few of us working really hard, i'm sure we'll get by.

I love my new watch! =)

你也许是很多人的听众, 但我只有你一个听众...

45 minutes ago was my birthday. Yes, i'm finally 21. The age where everyone associates to freedom. Am feeling both warm and cold now. Like the picture above; sitting in a cold strawberry ice-cream drinking hot and yummy tea. According to the author of the picture above, that's just life. Opposites, they make our lives.

Well, this year's birthday was rather quiet, peaceful and lonely. A contradictory to what a 21st should be. Opposites again. Had lesson with the other class in the morning. First time and a rather good experience. Had a good time with the old folks in the afternoon and put up a rather good presentation on diet and healthy lifestyle (*thumbs up for myself! =) ). Then i came home to... sleep... slept through the evenings... woke up to eat and read "DaVinci Code" and... fell back to sleep again until now. This day quietly faded... ordinary and special... remembered but forgotten... warm and cold...

Happy Birthday to meeee.....!!!

Do not belittle the power of self-confidence. It makes you look attractive.

I listened to my friend's in-service today and i was totally mesmerized by her confidence and power as she speaks. Even though her powerpoint slides were not as attractive and interesting as mine, the way she portrayed herself, the way she speaks, the words she used, made all of us believed that she really know her stuffs inside and out. When u meet a speaker like her, i guess it's probably too hard to say that her presentation wasn't good. I can't help comparing myself to her. I did my in-service last week and even though i put in lots of effort into it and was very confident about my slides and what i was presenting, i was not confident with myself. I had a feeling that all the audience at that time was probably thinking in the same way as i was; "if only this girl was more confident when she speaks...". And that was probably the only and yet the biggest problem i had with myself then.

If there's anything i really want to improve about myself now, it's self-confidence. I realized how the lack of confidence often defeats me and how it often make me look small and unimportant. I used to think that being unassuming was perfectly fine but i now realized that being too unassuming can be detrimental as well.

On another note, i really love my supervisor. He is passionate in teaching and always has a way to make things crystal clear for us to understand. He protects us (students) when we needed it and yet he's never too over-protective. He may point out our mistakes blatantly but he also encourages and allow us to make mistakes. Blessed with such a good supervisor, what more can i ask for?

~

My 21st birthday is drawing closer but I'm not really looking forward to it. I always wanted my birthdays to be very low-profile and yet i hope it is still enjoyable and great. Not to say that my previous birthdays wasn't enjoyable or great, but there's always something that happened that made it not as enjoyable as it should be. Either it was someone that i really want to celebrate with don't remember or wasn't free or there were just somethings that i was obliged to do but didn't really feel like doing or there's just simply something bad that happened that just spoil the day. Okay, i guess i was just asking for too much sometimes... but somehow, my heart doesn't feel comfortable nor excited that it's coming soon....

One week more to go for my attachment....

If you ask me if i'm happy about that, i would definitely say yes if i was still in my second year... but for now, i dread it. I still remember vividly almost every incident when i think back about all the things that had happened when i was having my three attachments in the various hospitals in my second year. I was devastated. I came home everyday thinking about how terrible i was, how helpless when i saw my patients and i never stop thinking about giving up being a physiotherapist. I thought i had chosen the wrong course and i will never be good enough no matter how hard i try. My academic results fell every semester and i struggled through my attachments. I still remember that after my 2B placement in the outpatient at tan tock seng hospital, i told myself that it's ok, i am probably not made for outpatient settings, inpatient would probably not turn out as bad. Unfortunately, when i had my 2C placement at Changi, i was as terrible. I felt that i was a potential failure and i thought since i was bad in both outpatient and inpatient, i had better quit. But i knew i had no where to go if i quit. Being always paired with people who are confident and good, i felt always behind, never been able to catch up. Coupled with my personal matters last year, everything was a chore.

When my 3A placement started early this year, i knew if i fail again this time, i will never be able to find any confidence again to be a physiotherapist next time. Unexpectedly, it turned out to be one of my best attachment. I enjoyed going to work everyday and i love to see my patients improve under my hands. Interestingly, i dreaded it when my supervisor did not let my handle the patients by myself, a feeling that i had never felt throughout all my placements in yr1 and 2. And of course, my friends played a large part in building up my confidence back again. My best friends, Serene and Pei shan, who are not in the course came to NUH just to have lunch with me. They were interested about what i do and how my supervisors had treated me. I was happy that someone were there to listen to me. Then, I had Kiyoko, Bernice and Dudu who also made everyday in NUH beautiful. I still remember Dudu telling me that i don't have to be disappointed because i had not done well for a patient, because she knows that i'll be better for the next patient with the same condition. That encouragement kept me motivated till now. When the last week came, it's the same as how i felt now. I hoped it never have to end.

For placement 3B, i loved the memories i had there. I have 3 lovely clinical mates and a polite and kind supervisor. Laughters filled every single day there. It was a outpatient setting. Knowing that outpatient was my worst placement last year, i was petrified initially. I started the attachment thinking that i was lucky for the previous placement because i like neurology and i had very good friends there but i'm not going to be that lucky for every placement. Afterall, once bitten, twice shy. However, to my amazement, i was not as terrible as i thought i would be. i was actually interested in it and i enjoyed coming home everyday to find articles about the spine, about spine conditions and how i can treat them. I even had one patient that had thanked me after treating her. She said she had seen many physiotherapist for many years and i was the only one who explained so much in detail so that she understood what was happening to her and what i was doing to help her. I was exuberant. I knew that for many of my friends, patients who thanked them almost happened frequently, but for me, i was glad even to have just one. I wasn't good in talking, didn't seem as confident as any of my friends, but i knew i did my best. And for even just one patient to notice that, that is the most comforting reward i could ever get. Of course, my supervisor played a large part in the whole placement. Interestingly, he wasn't that good in talking as well. i felt he was a humble and yet intelligent physiotherapist. He never put us down no matter how bad we were and i always have a feeling that he was trying to be a good supervisor as much as we were trying to be good students. That made me impressed! I guess i wanted to excel in that placement largely because i did not want to let him down. Another thing that is worthy of mention is my in-service. For every placement that we went, we had to present a presentation of at least 30 minutes to the physiotherapists there. I had 9/10 for this one. Never had gotten so high before. =)

Now, it's finally down to the last placement. 3C at Tan Tock Seng. Like how i always was, i was prepared for the worst. I heard that the two supervisors that i was going to be under were notorious. One of them always smile but was strict and biased and the other was sarcastic and mean. 4 weeks under them made me changed that impression of them totally. My description of them; She is strict but friendly, elegant and have her way with words to make patients believe what she says. She also thinks highly of us and that made me want to prove myself and excel. He is funny, witty and had a love to teach. He may be sarcastic but i know he always wanted to give us the best. Out of all the supervisors that i ever had, he taught me the most, showed me the most and believed in me the most.

I felt that i had so much more to learn but as compared to how i felt during year two, i was much more confident that i was not an empty cup that i always thought i was. i use to feel that i am a cup with a hole in the bottom. No matter how much water i tried to pour into the cup, it will always remain empty. But now, even though the cup was far from being filled, i am never an empty cup.

Well, the journey in my physiotherapy course isn't over yet. I still have one more semester after this placement but my journey through all my attachments brought a lot of feelings to me. I am sad that this is going to end soon because when i go out to work sometime, who is there to guide me? who is there to tell me that i should have done this or done that and who is there to cover me if i had done something wrong? I had to work alone next time and i had to be responsible for everything that i do. Nonetheless, i'm glad i had 3 good placements to replace that scared, little girl i was in year 2. I am glad it ended well.

It's amazing how one year can change me and the way about how i felt about myself. I had one friend whom i thought had changed a lot throughout this year too. She seem more happy, more talkative and more positive. I do not know who she is now but nonetheless, i am happy for her. In the past, i had always thought that i was there to help her, to change her for the better person i thought she could become. But as the days went by, i was more reliant on her than how she was on me. For some reasons, we drifted apart and she did indeed changed to a better person. Not the better person i secretly wanted her to become but a better person in her own way. It's a better ending this way.

Let the past be the past...

Today i'm feeling kind of disappointed and dejected. For every attachment that we have, our lecturer will come and visit us to evaluate our performance and to make sure that we'r on the right track on one of the days of our attachment. Today is the day.

I was feeling very jittery since yesterday night since the lecturer that is coming this time round is known for her sharp eyes and strict standards. It didn't make it any better when i knew that i was supposed to be the first to go today (we had four ppl in this attachment). Nonetheless, i had to do it.

As usual, i knew my confidence was lacking and that affected my communication with the patients. To make matters worse, all the other three of my classmates and my lecturer were all standing there in the same room. I know that if i were to say that my performance was reduced because i couldn't stand everyone staring at me, that would definitely sound like an excuse. Anyway, the whole treatment process went by with her correcting with somethings that i did and my confidence level dropping every minute.

Finally, after the whole morning, everyone had finished seeing their patients with the lecturer, and she is ready to give our feedback. I was of course the first to go. But unfortunately, she chose to give feedbacks with everyone present, including my supervisor there. That was when the comparison effect came in. She had a lot of feedbacks for me and though i passed, i didn't do well. As for my classmates, they did better than me. Well, yes, i know this evaluation will probably not affect our end evaluation but to be compared with others right on the spot made me feel really inadequate. I know that logically, we should all think that well, i ought to listen her feedbacks, work on them and stop making the same mistakes again instead of just dwelling on the fact that i didn't do well. But, at the back of my mind, i couldn't resist comparing with the others and feeling inadequate. I don't know if anyone who's reading this can understand how i feel. I guess it's hard to imagine how it felt without having to go thru this. All i can say is that it would have felt different if we were given the feedback individually.

After the whole matter, i was really quiet. The three of my friends talked as per normal. I think they would have realised that i didn't talk as much or they could have seen that i wasn't acting as i would normally but somehow, none of them did anything or say anything. I felt bottled up and isolated. I wished i had someone to talk to at that moment and i wished someone would have tried to say something lightening to make me feel better. That didn't happen and i held on to my emotions the rest of the day.

I wasn't feeling like i was going to cry but i just felt really disappointed with the whole situation. I really ought to learn to be more confident with myself. However, to correct one's mistake is simple but to correct one's habits and way of thinking, it takes a long long time. I know i'll always get better in the end, but i need time. I need people to encourage, to cheer me on and to believe in me.

I have 2 and a half weeks more to go for this attachment. I pray that i make it thru.
The first thing that i want to do when i can finally find sometime for myself after this placement is to go swimming!


"I've been watching but the stars refused to shine. I've been searching but i just don't see the signs, I know it's out there, there's gonna be something for my soul somewhere!"

Name: Ng Suyee
Age: 20
Birthday: 25TH NOV 1988
Horoscope: Sagittarius

Studied in Yangzheng pri, Xinmin sec, Anderson Junior college, Nanyang Poly
Living in Serangoon

Dream place to go: Switzerland

Aspiration (period): Be a good physiotherapist, buy a digital camera... and go travel ard the world!

Simply me...

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“We cannot do great things on this Earth, only small things with great love.”

~Mother Teresa

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."

~Morrie Schwartz, Tuesday with Morrie